My wife keeps getting piercings and I’m worried she won’t stop

I understand that she is enjoying this new phase but I’m not sure how I’d cope if these migrate all over her body

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My wife, who is 46, had her ears pierced for the first time two years ago. She had worn clip-on earrings until then and I liked the fact that her body was “untouched”. No tattoos. No piercings. Just her. But, since the initial piercings she has had three more and now has holes running up both ears. I can see that the earrings look nice and I understand that she is enjoying this new phase but I’m really worried she won’t stop and the piercing will migrate all over her body. I don’t want to spoil her fun but I’m not sure how I’d cope with a pierced tongue or belly button. Am I being weird about this?
– Apprehensive
We are all weirdos on the inside, with our panics, fantasies and paranoias. You’re not being weird; you’re being honest, and we applaud you for admitting your dis-ease rather than acting out on it and infecting the relationship with unspoken, unrealised worry and resentment. We’ve said it before (and we’ll say it again): change is hard. Much as we are tempted to, we cannot assume that the people we love will stay exactly the way they were on the day we met them. No one is preserved in aspic. It’s fine and healthy to admit “I’m not sure” about any number of things. In fact, those occasions when we feel utterly certain are perhaps the times we should question ourselves…
Yes, there is something compelling about the “untouched” human form. But that is not to say it is sacred and should be fetishised. We often wear our stories on our bodies – willingly or unwillingly – and those stories are, in a way, sacred. Because they are truly ours. We belong to ourselves and, in your deep and enduring love for her, you could trust that she has the appropriate levels of self-knowledge and self-love to make the best decisions for herself and her body.
We all have the right to assume that we will always be sexy to the right person. Readers may howl at our perceived naïveté but if that’s not part of the deal then what even is the deal and is it, ultimately, worth making? We yearn to be seen beyond and beneath our skin. Yes, she may have deviated from the script a little but that is what we, as humans, do. A relationship is not a museum and your wife is not an artefact installed – piercing-free – to symbolise the nature of eternal love. If you are defeated by a little bit of metal (or ink, or hair dye, or weight) then was she ever yours to love and hold through life?
But you know all this, Apprehensive, and you are not attempting to censure her, you are just wondering how far she might go and how you will cope. Which is fair enough. But may we counter that point of view with another one? If you fixate on the changes she makes, it could become all you see. Like some mad cartographer charting the map of your wife’s evolution. Few of us enjoy being monitored. And if we spend our days worrying about what will happen, we do not diminish the chances of it happening, we merely compromise the pleasure of where we are now; when her earrings “look nice” and everything is okay. She has startled you. Right-size it. It means very little. Emilie’s husband hates all her shoes but it doesn’t mean he loves her any less when she’s wearing them. She registers his disapproval but continues to buy the awful shoes… it’s a shoe, not a soul.
Annabel had her ears pierced at 45. The thrill! Over the past few years she has developed mission creep and now has gold hoops slinking up both ears. It has not proved to be a gateway drug to any piercing beyond the earlobes. It makes her feel sparkly and empowered. That hardware can make us feel glamorous when we are otherwise defeated; well-dressed when our wardrobes fail us; commanding when the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune are doing their best to crush us.
It’s fun. It’s play. But it’s also serious because it’s about your wife making choices about how she might plug into herself. Coincide with herself. Become who she truly is. So, bend like the bamboo, Apprehensive. Flex. Find new perspectives. Maybe this is an opportunity to talk about things you could do together that are a little unexpected; a little out of the ordinary – a trip to a far-flung land; a new sport; something sexy; a pottery course…Who knows what that conversation might cast light upon in terms of hitherto unspoken urges.
You are worried about how far she will go, but we can never know how far anyone will go. Every day is a leap of faith. If she knows that you do not believe your vision of her takes priority over hers; if she knows that you love her beyond your acknowledged nerves; if she knows that you are with her all the way, then you are both… golden!
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